Michelle Carr

My funeral? MY FUNERAAAAAL…I just love how that word feels in my mouth.
Now that is a wing-ding I have fantasized about since I was a little girl; not my “Barbie Dream Wedding” but my funeral.

I am half Irish and half Sicilian. My people really know how to do funerals and wakes. My funeral, will be decidedly Sicilian in dramatic style and overwrought with emotion. Everyone will don proper black on black on black funereal attire and accoutrement. CATHOLIC! I want an hour long candle lit Catholic mass, open coffin of course, festooned with a profusion of Casablanca lilies, religious trinkets and milagros. I invite little forget-me-nots, tokens and farewell notes to be placed in the coffin, nesting and nestling me as my friends, loved ones and enemies line up in secret morbid delight to to check out the hair, the make up, and my final fabulous costume for aaaaall eternity…

The Sicilian portion of the funeral is where everyone will wail and moan and cry out in grief and disbelief that I am no longer with them in this mortal coil. POOF! Sweet catharsis. Oh how the tears will flow…

Once the funeral mass has drawn to a close I will have a second line procession, never mind the logistics we will sort that out. I want hankies a wavin’, parasols a spinnin’ and trumpets a blarin’ as my body is carried through the streets to a near by location where we then launch into a full blown Irish wake. I will then be propped up in a beautiful diorama where I will be surrounded by my favorite knick-knacks and tchotchkes as if in life, with a cigarette in my red lips and a stiff drink in my hand.

Everyone will explode with joy and laughter and eat and drink themselves into a stupor. There will be dancing and singing, fucking and fighting and forgiveness all around! My body will be passed around clumsily and awkwardly from person to person for one last embrace, one last spin on the dance floor. The festivities will last ’til the break of dawn. The last loved ones standing will lean on each other and wave goodbye as the coroner loads my well worn corpse into the hearse. Good bye, fare well, auf wiedersehen, so looooooooong… I am to be donated to science. I hear that medical students give the new cadavers silly nick names upon arrival. I wonder what mine will be….